all right. I'm in. I have much reading and tasks to catch up on..but this weekend I promise I will catch up. Because I need you as much ..as you need me
Maybe if I hang around you long enough I'll finish that book.
or at least submit some writing
Like most of you...Life is interferring with my dabbling
so I'll be seeing ya regularly
Monday, February 8, 2010
sharing sure helps a heap...
I've chatted with a few of you off post and some on post and still a few on the phone...Thank you all for support. I feel that I've spilt my marbles all over the place and few went under the couch and some rolled right out the door outside some where and I'm not going to worry about them... but the ones that are left I'm going to pick up and put in my pocket. You there are few Marbles (things) going on that are worth keeping going so.... What did I do... I walked and walked this afternoon and there were a flood of tears for a cry of help in sorting out my minuscule thinking problems out. Really amazing how I felt as it came on and throw me walking that task work this week which one was it ?... Number 7... My inner compass yes I found it walking in the woods... Gosh if that act of healing ever got taken from me I don't know what I would do... White coats here I am... Came home and got centered in putting the food from the market away and folded laundry and chatted with my oldest. Sat with her to do my homework for class(photo shop) and I'm feel very calm...Some green tea to go! I walked ladies and I walked through it all with your help and listening ears.. thanks I know my personal storm would pass it always does but it's Hell in the Hallway though they say...
Trying to keep up - Mini Post
I have been doing pretty well with morning pages. Time is so limited due to other duties around work, art and family that I have not had a chance to post the tasks. I have had some mini artist dates which have helped me feel inspired: A trip to a lovely bookstore run by the Theosophical society in Illinois called Quest. At lunch time I go there periodically and just listen to the soothing music and browse through the bookshelves. I picked up a book of Sapho's poetry. Very nice. It even has the Greek in it. The other trip I took on Saturday to an ethnic asian grocery store. They were getting ready for Chinese New Years, Feb. 14 and I had a chance to taste may different samples. YUM YUM. Went home and made a buffet for the family of newfound delights.
Will check in again soon I promise.
Will check in again soon I promise.
Not quite a check-in, but...
Been a crazy week for me, between the valentine party and Timber being sick and...and...and. I need to read to catch-up, but I have had lots of little artist's dates with shopping for more and more valentine supplies! And my morning pages were realized as lists, lists, lists, along with a few worries and grumbles, and notes written in the night with my light-up pen! My mind is now on Laura. I hate that you have this burden on your brain. I know we just all want you to be your happy self. You just have to be, Laura.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Checkin from week two
Some major issue in the thinking department is all. Nothing I should complain about.. but feel the pressures and I'm scared. I've started a group and I can't lead it really I can't... I am wreak inside and everyone is turning to me and I feel stuck in a corner. My family is warning me not to take the job..(their my support system) With the load I care around now it would be a train wreak... Girls I can't keep this up at all.
Then I've gone and brought to the table that the MCS group can join the NCS and be a Regional group.......(become non profit and not have to keep up paper work, because we are part of the National Collage Society) we have no president and I'm so darn attached to the group... Can't let the baby die... but I can't lead it either.. so writing and writing and praying that some one will lead the group and if not then I will be learning How to clean up a train wreak...as of dissolving a group.. That is my issue this week... Major thinking problems. I've walked but not as much as I would like to and I used the heck out of my morning page crying about my dilemma though nothing to compare too... with all the worldly things happening. I'm not asking anyone to pick it up.. more so if I put it out there....(in the universe) some how the answer will come... I'm like doctor Jekyll Mr. Hide with things.. People see me all pleasant and then I'm falling inside about this issue... and plus the hormonal stuff..
Tania I know you may read this and she's been our president now for the last two or three years and she can't lead either... I just am traveling in a different directions and there are lots of good people that can do the job... so we both are just back out of it... We've done are parts...It's hard to let it go...listen to me dooms daying it already... But with this week I was able to fit in a nice little lunch with myself again.. and a stop at the office supply store and bought some niche little stickers. Felt good to play.. made some progress on a #7 piece and entered another show for spring at the Batavia studio with some assemblages... so all in all it was a good week. I thought about going to the hardware store and looking at paint colors but my youngest daughter was worried I would change the kitchen color.. which I would like to not and find the same color.. the kitchen needs a good painting though... it's been about 6 to 7 years and a few dents with major cooking stains on the ceiling... I so want to get back into fixing up my home on the inside.. putting energies where they are needed.
Well ramble, scramble and damnble around whining and crying about not much but... it's all stuff that gets me stuck and this week I'm going to be putting the energy were it needs be.
Then I've gone and brought to the table that the MCS group can join the NCS and be a Regional group.......(become non profit and not have to keep up paper work, because we are part of the National Collage Society) we have no president and I'm so darn attached to the group... Can't let the baby die... but I can't lead it either.. so writing and writing and praying that some one will lead the group and if not then I will be learning How to clean up a train wreak...as of dissolving a group.. That is my issue this week... Major thinking problems. I've walked but not as much as I would like to and I used the heck out of my morning page crying about my dilemma though nothing to compare too... with all the worldly things happening. I'm not asking anyone to pick it up.. more so if I put it out there....(in the universe) some how the answer will come... I'm like doctor Jekyll Mr. Hide with things.. People see me all pleasant and then I'm falling inside about this issue... and plus the hormonal stuff..
Tania I know you may read this and she's been our president now for the last two or three years and she can't lead either... I just am traveling in a different directions and there are lots of good people that can do the job... so we both are just back out of it... We've done are parts...It's hard to let it go...listen to me dooms daying it already... But with this week I was able to fit in a nice little lunch with myself again.. and a stop at the office supply store and bought some niche little stickers. Felt good to play.. made some progress on a #7 piece and entered another show for spring at the Batavia studio with some assemblages... so all in all it was a good week. I thought about going to the hardware store and looking at paint colors but my youngest daughter was worried I would change the kitchen color.. which I would like to not and find the same color.. the kitchen needs a good painting though... it's been about 6 to 7 years and a few dents with major cooking stains on the ceiling... I so want to get back into fixing up my home on the inside.. putting energies where they are needed.
Well ramble, scramble and damnble around whining and crying about not much but... it's all stuff that gets me stuck and this week I'm going to be putting the energy were it needs be.
Week 3 - Sense of Power
Oh the nasty word Anger... how are we going to handle it this week Tribe, then there's the Synchronicity followed by shame... Give us a break here JC... you want us to deal with Criticism and then pull out the super glass eye detective work and do some growth too... One week is all your giving us...? sure no problem we are your troopers and when we pull together and show you, we're a very strong Tribe.
What can I say for our new gals sitting around the fire... Being Angry is a bit scary, but for our gals that have been sitting awhile know all to well how powerful this Anger can be for us..... It's our fuel, our directions. We need to listen to it and we need to start acting upon it. It's time to take our ideas seriously enough to treat them well. Personal note: The whole paragraph on Anger is loaded with a good dose of inspirational power-vitamins to give us a good boost. If you have to read it again and again... Sure makes me feel charged up!
Now to the wonderful world of Synchronicity.....
Makes be feel as though I should be dancing around in fairly land.. but really we are asked to see where our personal thoughts/prayers are going to take us. Which can be scary...some may start to get answered and then what do we do with them. Surely this can't be? We may question it.... feels so uncomfortable. Personal Note: I don't know how many times I get a bit of doubt working on me and then I get a phone call to judge a show or I'm given an opportunity to show work.... scary as all heck when that happens but I just put the boots on and trust that it will all work out.
For me it's being aware that synchronicity is true and not to question it just believe stuff like this happens.
JC shares... Anyone honest will tell you that possibility is far more frightening then impossibility, that freedom is far more terrifying than any prison... thing about that statement there...How many time has one settled for the prison of our own making as to stay block and said what's the use" Why try changing anything? Honey's and good sisters here... Life is what we make of it.... so what kind of life soup are you all going to make this year?? All you need to do is start asking and you shall receive...Knock and it shall be opened to you. I'm going to leave this short and sweet as this section is worthy of a double read too.
Shame... makes me want to hunch down and roll in to a snail size ball even just saying the word... how about all of you? Shame is a controlling device secretly hidden and were not to look at it or bring it out we are forever to be is ashamed about... Keep it hidden and don't you dare open the family closet... Oh NO! if I may it's a way to continue a long line of illness hand down upon us without our doing... it was done before and it's the way it should be... well... Sad to say that shame is not for us here.... Be cautious though how it works we my detach from it and numb yourself of it only to show up latter.
Art opens the closets, airs out the cellars and attics. it brings healing.
Personal note: I've heard from many people at art shows that your work makes me smile and makes me happy... truth is not all of my work does, cause some of the work I do is about bring out the shame and stuff in closet but because I've worked with a few 12 step programs it's helped me with that good healthily forward motion in life which is then added in my work..... I've taken and continue to take the things that bring me trouble out and to the surface... you may not see that but it's really about me working through what life as given me... Art therapy or what ever.... it's works.
Dealing with the Criticism
It is important to be able to sort useful criticism from the other kind... I truly think it helps us grown when done with the care of our most desired needs... to improve our creativeness. I love the rules of road she gives us and my favorite is to get back on the horse or in my case it was the mini bike... Personal note: keep a balance on the Criticism given... yes easier said then done... but not everything one says is truth... go though the rules of the road for yourself, when your up again a wall like this, it is time to make the change and make that choice to pull yourself to the curb and ground in some real truth Gals... Work through it... put those boots back on and be ready to face the mud and before you know it your on the other side of the mud hole and thinking WOW! what just happened? ( can you tell I'm all your personal cheerleader, I do see you working through it though)
Some Detective work... getting serious now
Take all the even and answer those and share if you want mid-week or take all the odd.. but do ten at lest.
Growth
Do you remember the shows watched when we where younger on the science channels or in class? When the growth of a plant growing was speeded up..? And certain times it was a speedy spurt? Personal note: I think I shared with our Hummingbird just about this a few days ago off post about my own personal growth steps with the thought of how I expand and contract quite often... that's I've really accepted it as what my process is two steps forward and one back... I've accepted that it's works that way but while I'm going through it struggling some time greatly... think about a weed... they have the ability to come through any concrete slab... I look at myself much like that...They don't give up...do they? those darn weeds.... The pain sometime is hard to handle but I'm not going to leave us there... with growth... just honestly looking at it... So we are going to look at it as easing through it and accomplishing it. If you do one nice things to yourself daily, Good orderly direction will give you back two more.. Be open to the gifts. I really love this part- Try to acquire the habit of checking in with yourself, several times a day. just take a beat, and ask yourself how you are feeling... I think about that.... how many times I'm wasting my time thinking about the nasty stuff you know our censors and we can be turning that around by using a personal heart beat check on how we really are feeling.. Give it a try... can't hurt...
Task work-
Share with us 1,4,5, and 7 with a back up of a check in. And if you need to share during the week just do it can't hurt any of us only makes us bond stronger.
Ok I'm late not but really enjoyed reading this and writing about it... to the all day workday!!!
What can I say for our new gals sitting around the fire... Being Angry is a bit scary, but for our gals that have been sitting awhile know all to well how powerful this Anger can be for us..... It's our fuel, our directions. We need to listen to it and we need to start acting upon it. It's time to take our ideas seriously enough to treat them well. Personal note: The whole paragraph on Anger is loaded with a good dose of inspirational power-vitamins to give us a good boost. If you have to read it again and again... Sure makes me feel charged up!
Now to the wonderful world of Synchronicity.....
Makes be feel as though I should be dancing around in fairly land.. but really we are asked to see where our personal thoughts/prayers are going to take us. Which can be scary...some may start to get answered and then what do we do with them. Surely this can't be? We may question it.... feels so uncomfortable. Personal Note: I don't know how many times I get a bit of doubt working on me and then I get a phone call to judge a show or I'm given an opportunity to show work.... scary as all heck when that happens but I just put the boots on and trust that it will all work out.
For me it's being aware that synchronicity is true and not to question it just believe stuff like this happens.
JC shares... Anyone honest will tell you that possibility is far more frightening then impossibility, that freedom is far more terrifying than any prison... thing about that statement there...How many time has one settled for the prison of our own making as to stay block and said what's the use" Why try changing anything? Honey's and good sisters here... Life is what we make of it.... so what kind of life soup are you all going to make this year?? All you need to do is start asking and you shall receive...Knock and it shall be opened to you. I'm going to leave this short and sweet as this section is worthy of a double read too.
Shame... makes me want to hunch down and roll in to a snail size ball even just saying the word... how about all of you? Shame is a controlling device secretly hidden and were not to look at it or bring it out we are forever to be is ashamed about... Keep it hidden and don't you dare open the family closet... Oh NO! if I may it's a way to continue a long line of illness hand down upon us without our doing... it was done before and it's the way it should be... well... Sad to say that shame is not for us here.... Be cautious though how it works we my detach from it and numb yourself of it only to show up latter.
Art opens the closets, airs out the cellars and attics. it brings healing.
Personal note: I've heard from many people at art shows that your work makes me smile and makes me happy... truth is not all of my work does, cause some of the work I do is about bring out the shame and stuff in closet but because I've worked with a few 12 step programs it's helped me with that good healthily forward motion in life which is then added in my work..... I've taken and continue to take the things that bring me trouble out and to the surface... you may not see that but it's really about me working through what life as given me... Art therapy or what ever.... it's works.
Dealing with the Criticism
It is important to be able to sort useful criticism from the other kind... I truly think it helps us grown when done with the care of our most desired needs... to improve our creativeness. I love the rules of road she gives us and my favorite is to get back on the horse or in my case it was the mini bike... Personal note: keep a balance on the Criticism given... yes easier said then done... but not everything one says is truth... go though the rules of the road for yourself, when your up again a wall like this, it is time to make the change and make that choice to pull yourself to the curb and ground in some real truth Gals... Work through it... put those boots back on and be ready to face the mud and before you know it your on the other side of the mud hole and thinking WOW! what just happened? ( can you tell I'm all your personal cheerleader, I do see you working through it though)
Some Detective work... getting serious now
Take all the even and answer those and share if you want mid-week or take all the odd.. but do ten at lest.
Growth
Do you remember the shows watched when we where younger on the science channels or in class? When the growth of a plant growing was speeded up..? And certain times it was a speedy spurt? Personal note: I think I shared with our Hummingbird just about this a few days ago off post about my own personal growth steps with the thought of how I expand and contract quite often... that's I've really accepted it as what my process is two steps forward and one back... I've accepted that it's works that way but while I'm going through it struggling some time greatly... think about a weed... they have the ability to come through any concrete slab... I look at myself much like that...They don't give up...do they? those darn weeds.... The pain sometime is hard to handle but I'm not going to leave us there... with growth... just honestly looking at it... So we are going to look at it as easing through it and accomplishing it. If you do one nice things to yourself daily, Good orderly direction will give you back two more.. Be open to the gifts. I really love this part- Try to acquire the habit of checking in with yourself, several times a day. just take a beat, and ask yourself how you are feeling... I think about that.... how many times I'm wasting my time thinking about the nasty stuff you know our censors and we can be turning that around by using a personal heart beat check on how we really are feeling.. Give it a try... can't hurt...
Task work-
Share with us 1,4,5, and 7 with a back up of a check in. And if you need to share during the week just do it can't hurt any of us only makes us bond stronger.
Ok I'm late not but really enjoyed reading this and writing about it... to the all day workday!!!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Jumping on the Bandwagon
OK. I'm here,never left. I did ignore the blog as I was wavering behind. My first check in after two weeks. I've done pretty well with my morning pages. Missed a couple days, but certain all understand. I was behind in the reading and tasks, but am raring to start fresh again. I'm working other programs as well and stretched beyond imagination. Lack of money maybe something anyone can understand, but living and raising children in poverty is a different story. I'm not talking lack of luxuries, I'm talking year after year after year of no money, no groceries, no support. Don't want a pity party, never wanted that. Just want someone to listen without shutting down at the pain and learning. People don't see my poverty, my car was donated after a mechanic expressed I needed to apply for help. My bifocals were donated after I lost a lens and couldn't see. I shop at Good will and people don't see me in rags. Always I'm extremely creative in my diet. Eating out is something taboo. Going to a movie is taboo. Having friends tell me they had to let the gardener go during recession is so totally absurd. I push mow my acre as I can't afford tractor repair. I shovel 200 feet of gravel drive as I don't have a plow or running tractor. I live in the country where one inch of snow means 8 inch drifts across the drive. Yes I'm whining, but I hear complaints all the time that are surreal to what ife is about. I labor, I learn and grow. I asked for poverty, I asked to be a starving artist. I am there. The lessons could not be learned another way.
Phew. Now that that is off my chest. Last week I had a double funeral service. My cousin died in surgery on Friday, and his sisters husband had life support pulled on Saturday. As my cousin was a fixture at family picnics, this brought about memories my father's death last year and my cousin arriving with one leg on crutches with a bag hanging from surgery at my Dad's funeral. He had just had ribs and lung tumors removed. And his sister's husband's long battle with leukemia... my sisters short terrifying battle with colon cancer,where she passed within 10 minutes of support being pulled. Altough she was in pain for so many years with RA, I've yet to see a smile as great as hers.
So...back to the artists way. Who's still feeling sorry for themself? I planned on getting some artist dates in. Hope to share shortly. Today, before work I picked up work at Naperville Art League, changed out work at Black Iris Gallery in Sandwich and visited Plano Library who are looking for exhibits in their gallery.
I'm hitting deadlines in every direction, and no one has a clue that yes, I'm at four jobs, yes my first job is forty hours. Yes after two jobs in any given day, I don't have the energy to create. It's been 3 weeks since I'd drawn anything. I can bitch and moan some more, but are you still listening? I asked my mother to trip out to see the bald eagles tomorrow. Don't know her answer,but overdue artist date is on agenda.
Phew. Now that that is off my chest. Last week I had a double funeral service. My cousin died in surgery on Friday, and his sisters husband had life support pulled on Saturday. As my cousin was a fixture at family picnics, this brought about memories my father's death last year and my cousin arriving with one leg on crutches with a bag hanging from surgery at my Dad's funeral. He had just had ribs and lung tumors removed. And his sister's husband's long battle with leukemia... my sisters short terrifying battle with colon cancer,where she passed within 10 minutes of support being pulled. Altough she was in pain for so many years with RA, I've yet to see a smile as great as hers.
So...back to the artists way. Who's still feeling sorry for themself? I planned on getting some artist dates in. Hope to share shortly. Today, before work I picked up work at Naperville Art League, changed out work at Black Iris Gallery in Sandwich and visited Plano Library who are looking for exhibits in their gallery.
I'm hitting deadlines in every direction, and no one has a clue that yes, I'm at four jobs, yes my first job is forty hours. Yes after two jobs in any given day, I don't have the energy to create. It's been 3 weeks since I'd drawn anything. I can bitch and moan some more, but are you still listening? I asked my mother to trip out to see the bald eagles tomorrow. Don't know her answer,but overdue artist date is on agenda.
week two
A relatively easy week where the AW is concerned. I remember the first time I read about crazymakers and what an impact it had on me to discover some of my crazymakers were family members. Just recognising their behaviour helped me so much. I don't allow them to be my crazymakers any more. I don't use them as an excuse to stay blocked any more.
This week I have continued to work with affirmations. This has been my main focus. I want to keep chipping away at my core negative beliefs. Its not that I'm lagging behind its just I need to spend more time on this deep rooted problem. My core negative belief is still that I am not good enough. I am a fraud. I have no real talents. My work is just a fluke and people are going to find out. I squash these feelings down. I refuse to listen to my inner censor and most of the time all is well. But if I were to be completely honest, right down deep the beliefs are still there. Little nagging worries. Fears.
Morning pages is an easy one to report on. I am about to start note book number 13 so you can see I have continued to do them since I first started back in 2007 when this group started.
With the artist date I don't specifically make a time for myself. I know I need time alone to indulge myself a little and this too is a regular event. Without planning it I might go to the library for a couple of hours. I might lay on the couch and watch a midday movie or I might have my lunch in the garden while thumbing through art books. So my artist date has become part of my life just as morning pages have. Without them I can't function properly.
So now its on with week three and I notice there is a chapter on anger. Something I experienced this week for no apparent reason. Wonder what that's about .....
Lady Morgaine
Week two check in by Sister Raven
This week, I did my morning pages every day. I noticed some creeping doubt on a few mornings about my reasons for continuing to create art. Don't know for sure where that is coming from, but I suspect it comes from comparing myself to other artists again. I know this is not a productive thing for me to do, but sometimes I am my own crazymaker. At least I am beginning to recognize that when it comes up and to learn and grow from it.
I am going on my artist date today to the library to sit in a corner with art books and just enjoy the time with them.
Task 4: I wrote these in no particular order and learned some interesting things. Last years list was filled with things I hadn't done in a long time. This years list was filled with things I do pretty often now. I was pleasantly surprised by the changes.
The list: watching my granddaughter; creating zentangles; playing with color; drawing; visiting family; visiting new places; collage making; research; quilting; reading; pastels; taking classes; reading blogs; visiting the library; visiting art supply stores; visiting art galleries; taking photographs; making bread; fishing; gardening.
Task 6: Tour guide; Life Coach; Art Teacher; Director of plays; Singer; Congressional researcher at the Library of Congress.
I was somewhat surprised by a couple of these. Singer? Where did that come from?
Task 8: I think some of these turned into big changes, but here they are.
I would like to . . . ..
redo our bathroom.
buy a new pair of shoes.
find an art buddy or two.
learn tai chi.
finish the quilts I have started.
create a larger collage.
make paper.
learn to use the D70 camera.
master image transfers.
grow my hair longer.
It has been a very insightful week doing these tasks. I am going to the library today, something I enjoy doing. I have decided to start practicing with the D70 over the next few weeks, and to find the old dvd I have about Tai Chi. I have also started sketching ideas for a bigger collage. Who knows what next week will bring. I am looking forward to the possibilities.
I am going on my artist date today to the library to sit in a corner with art books and just enjoy the time with them.
Task 4: I wrote these in no particular order and learned some interesting things. Last years list was filled with things I hadn't done in a long time. This years list was filled with things I do pretty often now. I was pleasantly surprised by the changes.
The list: watching my granddaughter; creating zentangles; playing with color; drawing; visiting family; visiting new places; collage making; research; quilting; reading; pastels; taking classes; reading blogs; visiting the library; visiting art supply stores; visiting art galleries; taking photographs; making bread; fishing; gardening.
Task 6: Tour guide; Life Coach; Art Teacher; Director of plays; Singer; Congressional researcher at the Library of Congress.
I was somewhat surprised by a couple of these. Singer? Where did that come from?
Task 8: I think some of these turned into big changes, but here they are.
I would like to . . . ..
redo our bathroom.
buy a new pair of shoes.
find an art buddy or two.
learn tai chi.
finish the quilts I have started.
create a larger collage.
make paper.
learn to use the D70 camera.
master image transfers.
grow my hair longer.
It has been a very insightful week doing these tasks. I am going to the library today, something I enjoy doing. I have decided to start practicing with the D70 over the next few weeks, and to find the old dvd I have about Tai Chi. I have also started sketching ideas for a bigger collage. Who knows what next week will bring. I am looking forward to the possibilities.
Week 2 Recovering a Sense of Identity
(Thanks to doodles & Motherbear for their honest posts-it encouraged me to stay and keep posting)
Week 2 - Recovering a Sense of Identity
Going Sane
So, I read "Do not let your self-doubt turn into self-sabotage" early this week. And then I hit that figurative 'creek bed at the bottom of my slippery (emotional) slope' and reread the chapter and realized I must be in self-sabotage mode. On the heels of my refusing to blog anymore, my hubby and son sat me down yesterday and wanted to know why it is that whenever something starts to make me happy, I shut down and run the other way. I said it's because I really hate myself and don't deserve happiness. Well...that was alot of truth to toss at them. Poor things. And I called my mom this morning to ask her if I was nuts and have I always been this way. So with this newfound revelation I may be looking for that book Motherbear suggested by Nathaniel Branden.
Poisonous Playmates
I don't have any external poisonous playmates anymore. When I was working I recognize now that that was what was happening. All the people I seemed to 'attract' who had to tell me the horrible things happening to them made me feel so depressed. I'm alone now so the only poisonous playmate is the television. But my new friend the remote carefully guards me from the news or certain movies. But I do have the internal poisonous playmate and that one has been wreaking havoc.
Crazymakers
Add this to poisonous playmates...I am my own Crazymaker and wow do I do it well. I really really must have multiple personalities. Is it truly normal to be so emotionally divided where one side tries to excel and the other will do anything it takes to ensure failure? Really must ask my mom again if this is normal behavior for me. Perhaps I've done such a fine job of squelching myself for so long and keeping everything in a tightly closed box. And now that I'm trying to recreate myself things are spilling out. Like when I cleaned out the closet. I had stuff everywhere as I threw things out the door. And I stood in the middle of the mess and started with one little thing until it was all placed where it belonged. I like organizing...it gives me a sense of accomplishment. So perhaps I'm at the 'messy closet exploded' part right now.
Skepticism
I don't doubt the existence of a Great Spirit and sychronicity in my life. I do, however, doubt in my abilities. And I do feel like a fraud. And I do worry that I will never experience 'creative recovery' so long as I have an internal side of me that has geared up for a full fledged fight against that same recovery. How do you fight self? I'd rather have external enemies.
Attention
In the past year I have discovered how to pay attention to my surroundings. There's alot of darned great things out there when you look. And although I've only been focusing on nature, eventually I may take that further to include people and things. But Cameron said pain taught her to pay attention by being too terrified of the future & past too painful to remember. But I think sometimes the present can be too painful and the only self-survival technique is to look forward or backward to another time. And then you're stuck in that mode and find it hard to refocus just on the present. But I'll eventually learn to just live in the present. There are good things to see here.
Taskwork
I posted my midweek taskwork Wed. I have been doing the MPs LONGHAND without falling asleep everyday since Tues. And they actually do help quiet my head a bit. But they seem to have made room for a full fledged self-sabotage attack. I think Motherbear called it a creative u-turn. Maybe that's what's happened. And I really don't mean to be self-pitying but I'm trying to regain the emotional strength to kick that hating part of me in the butt. I'm making an effort to find an art workshop or retreat so that I can get back near like-minded creative people. I think I need their energy right now. Plus, I'm so lonely. So, I guess I didn't recover a sense of identity. I just stirred the pot...
~ ~ ~
As a side note I have to share this. My hubby called from work while I was writing this to ask me out on a date. He offered going back into the City to have a drink w/ his friends or a walk or something. I told him no & that I had planned to check out another church this evening. So he said he wants to come w/ me. So our date is church and a quick stop for carryout. I used to party and dance and drink all night. And now my date night is church and carryout. What happened???....I know....I'm trying to fill a void, make a connection or get answers.
Week 2 - Recovering a Sense of Identity
Going Sane
So, I read "Do not let your self-doubt turn into self-sabotage" early this week. And then I hit that figurative 'creek bed at the bottom of my slippery (emotional) slope' and reread the chapter and realized I must be in self-sabotage mode. On the heels of my refusing to blog anymore, my hubby and son sat me down yesterday and wanted to know why it is that whenever something starts to make me happy, I shut down and run the other way. I said it's because I really hate myself and don't deserve happiness. Well...that was alot of truth to toss at them. Poor things. And I called my mom this morning to ask her if I was nuts and have I always been this way. So with this newfound revelation I may be looking for that book Motherbear suggested by Nathaniel Branden.
Poisonous Playmates
I don't have any external poisonous playmates anymore. When I was working I recognize now that that was what was happening. All the people I seemed to 'attract' who had to tell me the horrible things happening to them made me feel so depressed. I'm alone now so the only poisonous playmate is the television. But my new friend the remote carefully guards me from the news or certain movies. But I do have the internal poisonous playmate and that one has been wreaking havoc.
Crazymakers
Add this to poisonous playmates...I am my own Crazymaker and wow do I do it well. I really really must have multiple personalities. Is it truly normal to be so emotionally divided where one side tries to excel and the other will do anything it takes to ensure failure? Really must ask my mom again if this is normal behavior for me. Perhaps I've done such a fine job of squelching myself for so long and keeping everything in a tightly closed box. And now that I'm trying to recreate myself things are spilling out. Like when I cleaned out the closet. I had stuff everywhere as I threw things out the door. And I stood in the middle of the mess and started with one little thing until it was all placed where it belonged. I like organizing...it gives me a sense of accomplishment. So perhaps I'm at the 'messy closet exploded' part right now.
Skepticism
I don't doubt the existence of a Great Spirit and sychronicity in my life. I do, however, doubt in my abilities. And I do feel like a fraud. And I do worry that I will never experience 'creative recovery' so long as I have an internal side of me that has geared up for a full fledged fight against that same recovery. How do you fight self? I'd rather have external enemies.
Attention
In the past year I have discovered how to pay attention to my surroundings. There's alot of darned great things out there when you look. And although I've only been focusing on nature, eventually I may take that further to include people and things. But Cameron said pain taught her to pay attention by being too terrified of the future & past too painful to remember. But I think sometimes the present can be too painful and the only self-survival technique is to look forward or backward to another time. And then you're stuck in that mode and find it hard to refocus just on the present. But I'll eventually learn to just live in the present. There are good things to see here.
Taskwork
I posted my midweek taskwork Wed. I have been doing the MPs LONGHAND without falling asleep everyday since Tues. And they actually do help quiet my head a bit. But they seem to have made room for a full fledged self-sabotage attack. I think Motherbear called it a creative u-turn. Maybe that's what's happened. And I really don't mean to be self-pitying but I'm trying to regain the emotional strength to kick that hating part of me in the butt. I'm making an effort to find an art workshop or retreat so that I can get back near like-minded creative people. I think I need their energy right now. Plus, I'm so lonely. So, I guess I didn't recover a sense of identity. I just stirred the pot...
~ ~ ~
As a side note I have to share this. My hubby called from work while I was writing this to ask me out on a date. He offered going back into the City to have a drink w/ his friends or a walk or something. I told him no & that I had planned to check out another church this evening. So he said he wants to come w/ me. So our date is church and a quick stop for carryout. I used to party and dance and drink all night. And now my date night is church and carryout. What happened???....I know....I'm trying to fill a void, make a connection or get answers.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Don't know where this week went. sorry mother bear. i;ve kept up with mps and tasks but have really been struggling. i have so much self doubt that i think i am my own worst enemy. there are days that i wonder if i even want to be an artist. i am so blessed for the moment that i don't have to work outside the home that time is not an issue;i also have tremendouse support from my husband and children. i keep wondering what my problem is. is this midlife crisis, hormones or do i need therapy. my life is surrounded by crazymakers(outside of my four walls) i am trying very hard to limit my time with most of them but also feel very lonelly. can everyone really be crazy or is it me? i started to exercise this week, very slowly and by wednesday i was toast. a good deal of my problem is that most days i don't feel very well so i don't have the energy to even do things that bring me joy. anyway i'm going to stop whining now. i do think the affirmations really help. they bring me back to the task at hand and keep me from whining.
10 things- traveling, a nice hot bath, concerts, writing, stargazing, dress up, photography, boating, decorating, bike riding
5 lives- an artist working in a foreign country being paid to travel and enjoy sites\
house sit for people in europe who live in quaint homes on the sea\
live in a refurbished old castle somewhere fabulous with many rooms to create in,
an art studio, music studio, library\\
i am fit and fabulous and feel well and have energy so i can accomplish more things
and create more\
be surrounded by people who really care for me and want me to do well and encourage
my creativity and jsut have a group of really good art pals.
tiny changes- iwould like to paint family room, get a new blanket, find comfy shoes, exercise more, eat healthier,reconnect with husband, start writing, be pampered, have a great laugh, smile more, listen more to music, stop worrying, go for a drive, find a charity i'm passionate about and volunteer. (sometimes i think i have too much time on my hands but don't really want to get a job)
10 things- traveling, a nice hot bath, concerts, writing, stargazing, dress up, photography, boating, decorating, bike riding
5 lives- an artist working in a foreign country being paid to travel and enjoy sites\
house sit for people in europe who live in quaint homes on the sea\
live in a refurbished old castle somewhere fabulous with many rooms to create in,
an art studio, music studio, library\\
i am fit and fabulous and feel well and have energy so i can accomplish more things
and create more\
be surrounded by people who really care for me and want me to do well and encourage
my creativity and jsut have a group of really good art pals.
tiny changes- iwould like to paint family room, get a new blanket, find comfy shoes, exercise more, eat healthier,reconnect with husband, start writing, be pampered, have a great laugh, smile more, listen more to music, stop worrying, go for a drive, find a charity i'm passionate about and volunteer. (sometimes i think i have too much time on my hands but don't really want to get a job)
Lost my Crew???
OK I know your out there... where or where can you be? I lost my crew.... Makes it really hard for the rest of us that are trying hard to hold up the tipi poles... can't build the rest of the shelter if you can give us a hand.... (motherbear laying on the a guilt trip here... I know write when you can... I said.... Or we've just gone and done this way to many time to make it important to you and your board out of your gourd? ) Well I'm going on and I feel a really spark of creative energy coming despite the only having up a few poles.... we will make it some how.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Week 2 - Mid Week Task Work
Task #3 (10 of the 20 things I enjoy)
1. Riding my Harley and feeling the sun on my head & the wind in my hair (Fall ’09)
2. Smelling the morning dew (that smell the Earth has as the sun starts to warm the fields) (Summer ’09)
3. Listening to the flutter of hummingbird wings (Summer ’09)
4. Listening and singing along to Mariachi music (Last week)
5. Listening, singing, and dancing to almost any kind of music (Last week)
6. Creating something/anything in my studio dressed like an ‘artist’ and playing the part (Dec ’09)
7. Reading books (taste changed from crime to spirituality and art-when?
8. Walking in the woods (Fall ’09)
9. Camping (Summer ’08)
10. Walking along, and in, creeks (Summer ’08)
Task #4-(Two I've avoided)
I’ve avoided creating in the studio and walking in the woods. I’m not sure why other than I feel like a phony in the studio and can’t find anywhere to walk near me. No, that’s a lie. I honestly don’t know why I haven’t walked in the woods.
Task #6 (Five more imaginary lives)
1. A drummer or guitarist in a band
2. Travel the U.S. by motorcycle and write magazine articles for Harley about my encounters and what to do, see, eat (where did this come from?)
3. Run an art retreat camp for underprivileged kids
4. A monk; just to feel that connection to Spirit
5. A forest ranger in the Southwest
And one for good luck....#6. An artist (had to add)
I have to add that these really surprised me, as well as last week’s horse farmer & healer lives. Not too long ago I would have said construction manager, general contractor, estimator or something along those lines. Interesting to see how my thoughts have changed.
Task #8 - (Ten tiny changes)
I would like to paint my bathroom
I would like to start exercising
I would like to get to the dentist (ugghh)
I would like to clean up computer files and load Photoshop
I would like to figure out how to save all my computer pictures
I would like to take a photography class and develop my own film
I would like to learn more multi-media paint techniques
I would like to find, and attend, an art retreat
I would like to develop a plan for one section of my garden
I would like to find an inexpensive source for trees and plants
Motherbear is right. At first glance I thought, I don't know what I like and it sure wouldn't be 10 things and I have no more imaginary lives. Boy was I surprised by what spilled out. Some of these I had no clue about-never remember giving them any thought. That's what's cool about this process. If you do it without giving it much thought you'll be surprised.
Hummingbird
(Elena)
1. Riding my Harley and feeling the sun on my head & the wind in my hair (Fall ’09)
2. Smelling the morning dew (that smell the Earth has as the sun starts to warm the fields) (Summer ’09)
3. Listening to the flutter of hummingbird wings (Summer ’09)
4. Listening and singing along to Mariachi music (Last week)
5. Listening, singing, and dancing to almost any kind of music (Last week)
6. Creating something/anything in my studio dressed like an ‘artist’ and playing the part (Dec ’09)
7. Reading books (taste changed from crime to spirituality and art-when?
8. Walking in the woods (Fall ’09)
9. Camping (Summer ’08)
10. Walking along, and in, creeks (Summer ’08)
Task #4-(Two I've avoided)
I’ve avoided creating in the studio and walking in the woods. I’m not sure why other than I feel like a phony in the studio and can’t find anywhere to walk near me. No, that’s a lie. I honestly don’t know why I haven’t walked in the woods.
Task #6 (Five more imaginary lives)
1. A drummer or guitarist in a band
2. Travel the U.S. by motorcycle and write magazine articles for Harley about my encounters and what to do, see, eat (where did this come from?)
3. Run an art retreat camp for underprivileged kids
4. A monk; just to feel that connection to Spirit
5. A forest ranger in the Southwest
And one for good luck....#6. An artist (had to add)
I have to add that these really surprised me, as well as last week’s horse farmer & healer lives. Not too long ago I would have said construction manager, general contractor, estimator or something along those lines. Interesting to see how my thoughts have changed.
Task #8 - (Ten tiny changes)
I would like to paint my bathroom
I would like to start exercising
I would like to get to the dentist (ugghh)
I would like to clean up computer files and load Photoshop
I would like to figure out how to save all my computer pictures
I would like to take a photography class and develop my own film
I would like to learn more multi-media paint techniques
I would like to find, and attend, an art retreat
I would like to develop a plan for one section of my garden
I would like to find an inexpensive source for trees and plants
Motherbear is right. At first glance I thought, I don't know what I like and it sure wouldn't be 10 things and I have no more imaginary lives. Boy was I surprised by what spilled out. Some of these I had no clue about-never remember giving them any thought. That's what's cool about this process. If you do it without giving it much thought you'll be surprised.
Hummingbird
(Elena)
Mid-Week Two post some task work.....
The task work is a ground aspect of the weekly course for me... not sure how the rest of you feel but it really helps me know me!! So here goes...
WK Task #3-My list of 20 cut down to 10 for the blogging post....take an afternoon nap-11/12/09, hiking and walking in the woods-2/1/10, Exploring deep in the woods off the path-10/09, Digging in the earth-Last spring 09, Horseback riding-sometime in 08/09 (forgot) Sitting with a good friend and chewing the fat about life... (been way to long can't remember, and not business stuff), Bookstore carousing, 1/31/10.....( yes Melinda I did by a Magazine, not a book though... more about art journaling...) dress ArTys,(like a gypsy) and hang out in the studio with myself and art and I may even do up my hair a bit..and have the homestead pick up and dinner in the slow cooker-had to be about 10/09, Sitting on my back patio reading. writing and having lunch,watching the afternoon slowly move by...summer of 09. Going to the Zoo... I really miss that... 07 was the last time I did that.. Is that Ten.. we if it isn't oh well it's a good part of my 20...
WK Task#4-Two things that could be this weeks goal... well I'm longing to dress like a Gypsy and listen to Stevie Nicks songs... I'll be doing that very soon..with slow cooker going. and the Second thing will be of course the Channonee-which is a wanderer of the woods... I hear there was a Deer carcase in the woods and I can't but not take a peek... morbid I know but my curiosity got to me I need to see and be feed with imagary...sick yes but you never know when I might need that image...
Wk Task #6- Five more lives.... 1. a writer, 2. Junk-it finder, traveling all over the place, 3. a Biologist of the tall grass prairies, coyotes, crows and bears, 4. a Art retreat owner.... 5. a Winnabago owner with a trailer hauling my black jeep, big tires and the lis-plates that say LNCROW 4... see the great North west can Canada... selling my art along the way.. Oh yes the hubby will be leading he way on his Harley...
Wk Task #8-Ten tiny changes.....
I would like to.. yes I would like to paint my kitchen before spring hits.
I would like to.. pull out all art work record it and pack it up for show time...been pulling and dumping it all winter...organize it.
I would like to.. move Computer files from one place to another for updates and changes on website, big time procrastination going on about that...need to do some writing cause there is something going on....
I would like to.. Make time for hubby...I have a tendency to get myself busy, being the kids don't need me as much I'll pour myself into my work...hubby looking a bit sad these days.
I would like to.. remember to ask for help along the days journey instead of thinking I can do it all by myself... I forget to ask and when I do I have a great day..(Asking my higher Spirit for help and guidance)
I would like to... get back into the quick morning pick up so the rest of the day can flow easier...
I would like to.. get to the studio every day for at lest an half hour.... small steps...
I would like to.. listen better to others...my mind races inside as I look at you... oh and it's going around and round like a hamster wheel... though I'm a good multi tasker... really I would like to be present for the person I'm listening to.... old habit needs changing
I would like to.. watch more movies in my studio space...need to catch up on few..
I would like to.. listen to more music too... been so creatively busy forget to put the music in... duh...
OK just for your reference... I just sat down this morning and gave myself half an hour and answered this tasks and posted them...just giving you a quick idea of how much time I spend on them... but there typed out and written down in my memory so things will happen because I've done that small act and cared about myself to do that... Well just how I'm looking at it gals...
I know this is new from most of you but you will get the system shortly and before you know it we will be done with the course and you will be liking it...
Who's next????
WK Task #3-My list of 20 cut down to 10 for the blogging post....take an afternoon nap-11/12/09, hiking and walking in the woods-2/1/10, Exploring deep in the woods off the path-10/09, Digging in the earth-Last spring 09, Horseback riding-sometime in 08/09 (forgot) Sitting with a good friend and chewing the fat about life... (been way to long can't remember, and not business stuff), Bookstore carousing, 1/31/10.....( yes Melinda I did by a Magazine, not a book though... more about art journaling...) dress ArTys,(like a gypsy) and hang out in the studio with myself and art and I may even do up my hair a bit..and have the homestead pick up and dinner in the slow cooker-had to be about 10/09, Sitting on my back patio reading. writing and having lunch,watching the afternoon slowly move by...summer of 09. Going to the Zoo... I really miss that... 07 was the last time I did that.. Is that Ten.. we if it isn't oh well it's a good part of my 20...
WK Task#4-Two things that could be this weeks goal... well I'm longing to dress like a Gypsy and listen to Stevie Nicks songs... I'll be doing that very soon..with slow cooker going. and the Second thing will be of course the Channonee-which is a wanderer of the woods... I hear there was a Deer carcase in the woods and I can't but not take a peek... morbid I know but my curiosity got to me I need to see and be feed with imagary...sick yes but you never know when I might need that image...
Wk Task #6- Five more lives.... 1. a writer, 2. Junk-it finder, traveling all over the place, 3. a Biologist of the tall grass prairies, coyotes, crows and bears, 4. a Art retreat owner.... 5. a Winnabago owner with a trailer hauling my black jeep, big tires and the lis-plates that say LNCROW 4... see the great North west can Canada... selling my art along the way.. Oh yes the hubby will be leading he way on his Harley...
Wk Task #8-Ten tiny changes.....
I would like to.. yes I would like to paint my kitchen before spring hits.
I would like to.. pull out all art work record it and pack it up for show time...been pulling and dumping it all winter...organize it.
I would like to.. move Computer files from one place to another for updates and changes on website, big time procrastination going on about that...need to do some writing cause there is something going on....
I would like to.. Make time for hubby...I have a tendency to get myself busy, being the kids don't need me as much I'll pour myself into my work...hubby looking a bit sad these days.
I would like to.. remember to ask for help along the days journey instead of thinking I can do it all by myself... I forget to ask and when I do I have a great day..(Asking my higher Spirit for help and guidance)
I would like to... get back into the quick morning pick up so the rest of the day can flow easier...
I would like to.. get to the studio every day for at lest an half hour.... small steps...
I would like to.. listen better to others...my mind races inside as I look at you... oh and it's going around and round like a hamster wheel... though I'm a good multi tasker... really I would like to be present for the person I'm listening to.... old habit needs changing
I would like to.. watch more movies in my studio space...need to catch up on few..
I would like to.. listen to more music too... been so creatively busy forget to put the music in... duh...
OK just for your reference... I just sat down this morning and gave myself half an hour and answered this tasks and posted them...just giving you a quick idea of how much time I spend on them... but there typed out and written down in my memory so things will happen because I've done that small act and cared about myself to do that... Well just how I'm looking at it gals...
I know this is new from most of you but you will get the system shortly and before you know it we will be done with the course and you will be liking it...
Who's next????
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
fitting for the Circle here
Elder's Meditation of the Day - February 2
"Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood and so it is everything where power moves."
--Black Elk (Hehaka sapa), OGLALA SIOUX
In these modern times it is difficult to understand why we should think circles and seasons. People and society are always moving, through distance, over yonder, going here and going there - hurry up, grow up, be successful, climb the ladder of success, etc. The Elders tell us to slow down, to be patient, pray and think circles. Circle thinking applies to relationships, business and every area of our lives. We need to teach our awareness to look for seasons and cycles.
My Creator, teach me the seasons of growth.
(and now I'm not trying to convert you of to native beliefs..just fitting for the tribe here..)
"Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing, and always come back again to where they were. The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood and so it is everything where power moves."
--Black Elk (Hehaka sapa), OGLALA SIOUX
In these modern times it is difficult to understand why we should think circles and seasons. People and society are always moving, through distance, over yonder, going here and going there - hurry up, grow up, be successful, climb the ladder of success, etc. The Elders tell us to slow down, to be patient, pray and think circles. Circle thinking applies to relationships, business and every area of our lives. We need to teach our awareness to look for seasons and cycles.
My Creator, teach me the seasons of growth.
(and now I'm not trying to convert you of to native beliefs..just fitting for the tribe here..)
Monday, February 1, 2010
Morning Pages and doing Art in a new way
Dear Tribal Sisters,
As some of you know I have been a part of this group sporadically since it started in 2007. I am amazed that it is 2010.Happy New Year and wishes for creative joy.
I am in Florida, teaching nurses again and I have decided that teaching is an art in a way. I create images of how the world could be and encourage students "To be the change they want to see in the world". GANDHI
This is visualization and imagery and can have a powerful impact on this hurting world.
I faithfully write Morning Pages every morning and get up very early to do so when I am in clinical and need to be there in the early hours of the morning. Often before the sun comes up. My family has asked me who I am writing to when I write. I answer to my Higher Self. Sometimes I write for many pages other times a short entry but they are an essential part of my day and life.
My imaginary Life?
Poet and Artist in Paris during the time of the Impressionists
Visionary and Healer in 2010 , and yes, I believe I am living it right now in my everyday life with my family and my students. I am blessed to be an Elder and to share my Wisdom with those I encounter. I am surrounded by birds here and they call out each morning with lessons to be learned of simplicity and trust. I am blessed and very grateful for all the gifts the Great Spirit has so generously bestowed upon me and my children. I am grateful to Mother Earth and the messages she is sending us to wake up.
I do believe"Now is the time and we are the ones we have been waiting for"HOPI
Blessings, Mary Gayle aka Turtlewoman
As some of you know I have been a part of this group sporadically since it started in 2007. I am amazed that it is 2010.Happy New Year and wishes for creative joy.
I am in Florida, teaching nurses again and I have decided that teaching is an art in a way. I create images of how the world could be and encourage students "To be the change they want to see in the world". GANDHI
This is visualization and imagery and can have a powerful impact on this hurting world.
I faithfully write Morning Pages every morning and get up very early to do so when I am in clinical and need to be there in the early hours of the morning. Often before the sun comes up. My family has asked me who I am writing to when I write. I answer to my Higher Self. Sometimes I write for many pages other times a short entry but they are an essential part of my day and life.
My imaginary Life?
Poet and Artist in Paris during the time of the Impressionists
Visionary and Healer in 2010 , and yes, I believe I am living it right now in my everyday life with my family and my students. I am blessed to be an Elder and to share my Wisdom with those I encounter. I am surrounded by birds here and they call out each morning with lessons to be learned of simplicity and trust. I am blessed and very grateful for all the gifts the Great Spirit has so generously bestowed upon me and my children. I am grateful to Mother Earth and the messages she is sending us to wake up.
I do believe"Now is the time and we are the ones we have been waiting for"HOPI
Blessings, Mary Gayle aka Turtlewoman
Back from California
We all went out to California to visit our oldest son, Mike, and wife Vicky, and two Grandsons that we hardly ever get to see! Nadan is nine and Connor four. We just missed all the rain and mudslides so were so lucky at that. The weather was cool but sunny! Now this week is crazier than ever with my Paste Paper class on Friday -the whole month is busy- in two weeks another special painting paper class and then in two weeks the follow up book making class using the papers. More later!
I wasn't
going to join in this round. why? when I started with you last round I gave my heart and soul to reading and doing the tasks and commmenting.
I was so excited to have so many witnesses to my own journey and I theirs
and the tribal names implied for me wisdom would be forth coming....we always have wisdom for others..that's okay...sometimes we hear ourselves
But the frustrating thing about our tribe is that it limped along with hardly enough to make a good circle around the campfire
But I will join in again as time allows.....I will be you
I will do MP and AD and Tasks as I please
I will hardly comment on someone else's soul searcing post
but will always check to see that someone is listening to me
Yes I want to be a tribe member
come closer...maybe if we shift our bodies we can make a circle
sit and talk around the fire
do the work
...I hope you still want Soaring Hawk
I was so excited to have so many witnesses to my own journey and I theirs
and the tribal names implied for me wisdom would be forth coming....we always have wisdom for others..that's okay...sometimes we hear ourselves
But the frustrating thing about our tribe is that it limped along with hardly enough to make a good circle around the campfire
But I will join in again as time allows.....I will be you
I will do MP and AD and Tasks as I please
I will hardly comment on someone else's soul searcing post
but will always check to see that someone is listening to me
Yes I want to be a tribe member
come closer...maybe if we shift our bodies we can make a circle
sit and talk around the fire
do the work
...I hope you still want Soaring Hawk
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Hello Tribal Sisters
Although I'm not joining in with The Artists Way this time around, I had to take a peek today to see how it was going. There's a lot, I mean a lot, of good stuff there. Carry on, Sisters!
Love ya all.
Love ya all.
week one
Week one and I'm late too. I'm only late in posting though. I'm on target with the reading and the tasks. I was very excited to be reading AW again. I thought it should be a lot easier this time round. I had uncovered many demons in the past and I thought this time would just be strengthening what I had already worked on. There was my first mistake. I had forgotten that no matter how many times you read AW its always like the first time. Its like you hone in on things that are important to you at the time of reading or perhaps you go deeper the more times you read.
This week I did some soul searching of my core negative beliefs. I was really honest with myself and looked at what was truly in my heart.
Core Negative Belief 1
If I become really successful and known in the art world I will be so busy that I wouldn't have time for all of the other things in my life that are important to me. I would be frantically producing my art while yearning for my old simple life.
Now this is really ridiculous. If I were to become really successful I would still be in control of my art practice. No one can make me do things differently if I don't let them. I think this was my censor talking and another way to keep me in my place. Ha, its not going to work censor. I'm not listening!!!
Core Negative Belief 2
My next painting will prove that the painting before it was just a fluke. I really don't have any skills and the ones I do have are very limited. I am a fake and everyone will find out. Now this is not just a thought. This is a believe that is still down inside there somewhere. Why is that? How did it get there?
The answer came to me in my MP. Its was so clear that I wondered why I had not thought of this before. Before I go any further I would just like to state that I love my Mum very much. She is one of my best friends. I also don't like the title 'Monster Hall of Fame'. Some of the people that affect you in a negative way are your loved ones. They are doing or did the best they could within their circumstances and I don't like to put them in a 'Monster Hall of Fame'. My Mum was the middle child. Her siblings both boys in an era when boys were thought to be of more worth. She didn't need to be educated as well as she was just a girl etc etc etc. She comes from a close and loving family. It was just the way things were. As she grew up her feelings of not being good enough grew. It is still her core negative belief. My mother's feelings were then transferred to me. I was her child therefore people would consider me not good enough either.
Affirmations
I really like working with affirmations. They are empowering. I did however have the stirrings from the dreaded censor. I had a comment on one of my paintings on RedBubble. The comment was "God, you are a talent!!! Don't ever stop painting." The word 'talent' made me squirm. The censor picked up on this and gained strength. So here are my affirmations I worked with this week 'I am a talented artist. I am a talented artist. I am a talented artist' and 'I am good enough and deserve a rewarding creative life. I AM GOOD ENOUGH'. Now these became less uncomfortable as the week went on. But you should have heard the censor when I tried to put the work 'extremely' in. I am an extremely talented artist, HA!
Lady Morgaine
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)